Since I posted my first blog in March 2015, life has been odd. Insert your descriptor to mark 2021's End of an Error. (Pun intended.)
Today, I find it easier to relax my guard long enough to joke and laugh; this as the Biden-Harris Administration vaccinates America and advances economic relief for the nation's nightmare and sets the world on its axis anew. Fortunately, I discovered the quips of a gent on Twitter whose handle is DOC and daytime modus operandi is posting clean humor suitable for all ages.
As the Luck of the Irish Would Have It
Some weekends ago, I started launching sneak pun attacks on my dearly missed, faraway grandchildren; a grandson soon to be 15 and a granddaughter soon to be 13. By way of warning, my pun texts begin with, "Yo." Many qualify as groaners, the likes of which my father lobbed my way when I was young. With his play on words, he taught me to think twice and love language.
My selection of DOC puns vary by category: Questions and Answers, Facts and Overheard comments. My granddaughter got into the swing of things and returns text volleys. Given a year confined to online learning and few outings with friends, I hope even a moment laughing distracts. You can experiment for yourself to see if it does.
Note: My late brother Ed inherited the Morrisey humor gene. I dedicate this blog to him.
Yo: Questions and Answers
Question: What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
Answer: I don't know and I don't care.
Question: What do you call a hen who counts her own eggs?
Answer: A mathemachicken.
Question: Which knight invented the Round Table?
Answer: Sir Cumference.
Question: What bird never knows the lyrics to a song?
Answer: A hummingbird.
Question: What do you call a line of men outside a shop waiting to have a haircut and shave?
Answer: A barber queue.
Question: What’s the tallest building in every town.
Answer: The library - it’s got the most stories.
Question: What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate?
Answer: Sorry, my fault.
Question: What lies on the ground 100 feet in the air?
Answer: A dead centipede.
Question: Why wouldn’t the shrimp share his treasure?
Answer: Because he was a little shellfish.
Question: What did Adam say to Eve on the 23rd December?
Answer: It's Christmas Eve Eve, Eve.
Question: Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
Answer: He couldn’t see himself doing it.
Question: Why can’t humans hear a dog whistle?
Answer: Because dogs can’t whistle.
Question waiting to be answered: If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?
Yo: Facts
Fact: I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought, well this changes everything.
Fact: When you clean a vacuum cleaner, you are a vacuum cleaner.
Fact: Two artists had a fight. It ended in a draw.
Fact: A man was found guilty of overusing commas. The judge warned him to expect a really long sentence.
Fact: Starting your own garden is easy, but picking all of the vegetables? That’s the harvest part.
Fact: Ever try to eat a clock? It's time consuming.
Fact: It was hard getting over my addiction to the hokey pokey, but I’ve turned myself around.
Fact: A guy was getting hit by the same bicycle every day, day after day ... It was a vicious cycle.
Fact: Did you know that technically the overall goal of golf ... is to play less golf.
Fact: A ship carrying red paint collided with a ship carrying blue paint. Both crews ended up marooned.
Fact: I have a pen that can write underwater. It can also write other words too.
Fact: I ate a clown fish yesterday. It tasted funny.
Fact: I couldn’t understand why I saw corn every time I turned around. Then I realized it was stalking me!
Fact: When I was little my mom used to feed me alphabet soup, claiming I loved it. I didn’t really, she was just putting words in my mouth.
Yo: Overheard
Overheard: They laughed when I told them one day I would discover the secrets of invisibility. If they could see me now.
Overheard: In an effort to bridge the cultural gap with Hispanic friends, I’ve been saying muchos recently. It means a lot to them.
Overheard: I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like 0mg!
Overhead: Want to buy a broken barometer? No pressure.
Overheard: I dropped my phone in the bath. Now it's syncing.
Overheard: My friend and I started a business where we weigh tiny objects. It’s a small-scale operation.
Overheard: Cop: I’m arresting you for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: Wait! I can explain everything!
Overheard: Shout out to anyone who doesn’t know what the opposite of in is.
Overheard: Philosopher asked, "I wonder if Jellyfish are sad that there are no Peanut Butter fish."
Overheard: I needed a password eight characters long. So I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
Overheard: If I had to rate our solar system, I’d give it one star.
Overheard: My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience. The second time let me down.
Overheard: At my last job interview, I was asked what my greatest weakness was. I said, Honesty. The interviewer said. I don’t think honesty is a weakness. I replied, I don’t care what you think.
Okay, I'll Stop - Sort of
After catching your breath from chuckles and groans, consider advancing to these activities:
View my Gallery of Ed Morrisey Art
Listen to poems I wrote:
Happy Ends
Happy spring!
Happy shots in arms!
Happy St. Patrick's Day!
Pharrell William's Happy!
Laughing Cat by Ed Morrisey